Smells Like an Old Folks Home

Today was a cold and dreary day.  Below freezing temps and blowing snow.  The frightful weather made me want to take cover in a movie theater for an afternoon matinee.  I headed to my favorite theater inside Keystone at the Crossing.  My favorite only because it is located inside of the mall so I can shop before or after the movie watching.  Based on the showtimes, I chose the movie Quartet.  It stars Maggie Smith playing a retired opera singer who moves into a retirement home for retired musicians (of the classical variety not the Keith Richards kind).  I liked it just fine but it really got me thinking of my retirement living arrangements.  Of course the home in the movie was set in the English countryside where a bunch of Brits speaking the Queen's English were happily living together while rounding out their lives playing croquet, singing songs, and sipping tea.  It made me wonder what it will be like when my generation enters the golden years.  We are, after all, the last generation that will remember life before cell phones and the world wide web.  Remember, we used to call it that?  We may also be the last generation that expects eye contact and handshakes and pants above our asses.  So what will it be like in the old folks home when we get old?  I can assure you we ain't gonna be talkin' no proper English.  Don't get me wrong.  I can carry on a conversation like a totally respectable adult.  However, I would much rather emphasize my point with f-bombs and say things like "and she was LIKE this and then I was LIKE that" all while using grand hand gestures.  You never hear Maggie Smith speak that way.  She is always so articulate and proper.  I can also assure you that none of our broke asses will be able to afford a home with green grass and fresh country air since we had to pay for our kid's college, our parent's healthcare, and every IPhone that was ever made.   What will the scheduled activities be at our home?  Bingo or shuffleboard?  I doubt it.  Most likely we will have beer tasting at 2pm then Grand Theft Auto at 3pm.  Dinner will still be at 4pm because I can really work up an appetite while bustin' a cap in a ho.  Seriously, what will we do?  Free style rap?  Recite scenes from Ace Ventura or Anchorman?  I just can't imagine us being old.  I'm assuming some of us will make it well into our 80's or even 90's and most of us will outlive a spouse or two (sorry Joey).  I just can't imagine any of us that old.  You know how most elderly women wear polyester pants and sensible shoes?  Do we have to wear that stuff?  Do they wear those clothes because those are the assigned "old lady" clothes and I will get the memo in the mail when it is time for me to switch wardrobes?  Maybe in a packet with my AARP stuff?  Or does one old lady say to another, "Oh Esther, I love the pants I bought at Woolworths in 1968."  In response Esther would say, "Ethel, I can't find another dress better than the one I made in 1956 out of my mother's old curtains".  What in the hell happened to Esther and Ethel?  Have they not picked up a magazine in forty years?  Did their hair curlers squeeze the fashion sense right out of their heads?  (I am a little leery of my flat iron now).  I can assure you that will not happen to me.  I predict that I will dress like a Gap ad circa 1997.  Khaki pants, denim jacket, white t-shirt, nondescript shoes.  That makes the most sense.  A classic look in a sensible sort of way.  I would also predict that the old folks home would be a lot like summer camp.  Except no wake-up call.  We will sleep until noon for sure since we will stay up late and listen to our music...LOUDLY.  For God's sake, we will be the old people.  We won't have anyone older than us telling us to TURN IT DOWN.  I haven't spent any time in a nursing home or retirement community so my vision as to what goes on there may be a little skewed.  So correct me if I am wrong.  I suppose most homes have a rec room with a piano where residents gather to sing old-timey songs or hymns of which everyone knows all of the words.  How is that going to go down when WE gather 'round the baby grand?  First, who in the hell will know how to play the piano?  Second, what "old-timey" songs will we be able to sing collectively?  Most of us Gen X'ers could recite more words to "Gin n' Juice" than the National Anthem.  Would we sing "Friends in Low Places" as an homage to our friends who have passed on?  Do we know all of the words to that song if we are sober?  Will we be able to bust out "Ice Ice Baby" without needing oxygen?  How will a "Smells Like Teen Spirit" mosh pit work?  "Lift with your knees Jason!"  "You are going to break a hip Amy!"  Will I be the "Maggie Smith" of the old folks home?  You know, the grumpy one that everyone fears?  The Professor McGonagall type that lays down the law but smiles knowingly at the rule breakers sneaking into each other's rooms.  Most likely there will be a no fornicating rule among residents because old people doing it is just gross.  I hope I am like Maggie when I am old.  I will be the one in the witch's hat.