Smells Like an Old Folks Home

Today was a cold and dreary day.  Below freezing temps and blowing snow.  The frightful weather made me want to take cover in a movie theater for an afternoon matinee.  I headed to my favorite theater inside Keystone at the Crossing.  My favorite only because it is located inside of the mall so I can shop before or after the movie watching.  Based on the showtimes, I chose the movie Quartet.  It stars Maggie Smith playing a retired opera singer who moves into a retirement home for retired musicians (of the classical variety not the Keith Richards kind).  I liked it just fine but it really got me thinking of my retirement living arrangements.  Of course the home in the movie was set in the English countryside where a bunch of Brits speaking the Queen's English were happily living together while rounding out their lives playing croquet, singing songs, and sipping tea.  It made me wonder what it will be like when my generation enters the golden years.  We are, after all, the last generation that will remember life before cell phones and the world wide web.  Remember, we used to call it that?  We may also be the last generation that expects eye contact and handshakes and pants above our asses.  So what will it be like in the old folks home when we get old?  I can assure you we ain't gonna be talkin' no proper English.  Don't get me wrong.  I can carry on a conversation like a totally respectable adult.  However, I would much rather emphasize my point with f-bombs and say things like "and she was LIKE this and then I was LIKE that" all while using grand hand gestures.  You never hear Maggie Smith speak that way.  She is always so articulate and proper.  I can also assure you that none of our broke asses will be able to afford a home with green grass and fresh country air since we had to pay for our kid's college, our parent's healthcare, and every IPhone that was ever made.   What will the scheduled activities be at our home?  Bingo or shuffleboard?  I doubt it.  Most likely we will have beer tasting at 2pm then Grand Theft Auto at 3pm.  Dinner will still be at 4pm because I can really work up an appetite while bustin' a cap in a ho.  Seriously, what will we do?  Free style rap?  Recite scenes from Ace Ventura or Anchorman?  I just can't imagine us being old.  I'm assuming some of us will make it well into our 80's or even 90's and most of us will outlive a spouse or two (sorry Joey).  I just can't imagine any of us that old.  You know how most elderly women wear polyester pants and sensible shoes?  Do we have to wear that stuff?  Do they wear those clothes because those are the assigned "old lady" clothes and I will get the memo in the mail when it is time for me to switch wardrobes?  Maybe in a packet with my AARP stuff?  Or does one old lady say to another, "Oh Esther, I love the pants I bought at Woolworths in 1968."  In response Esther would say, "Ethel, I can't find another dress better than the one I made in 1956 out of my mother's old curtains".  What in the hell happened to Esther and Ethel?  Have they not picked up a magazine in forty years?  Did their hair curlers squeeze the fashion sense right out of their heads?  (I am a little leery of my flat iron now).  I can assure you that will not happen to me.  I predict that I will dress like a Gap ad circa 1997.  Khaki pants, denim jacket, white t-shirt, nondescript shoes.  That makes the most sense.  A classic look in a sensible sort of way.  I would also predict that the old folks home would be a lot like summer camp.  Except no wake-up call.  We will sleep until noon for sure since we will stay up late and listen to our music...LOUDLY.  For God's sake, we will be the old people.  We won't have anyone older than us telling us to TURN IT DOWN.  I haven't spent any time in a nursing home or retirement community so my vision as to what goes on there may be a little skewed.  So correct me if I am wrong.  I suppose most homes have a rec room with a piano where residents gather to sing old-timey songs or hymns of which everyone knows all of the words.  How is that going to go down when WE gather 'round the baby grand?  First, who in the hell will know how to play the piano?  Second, what "old-timey" songs will we be able to sing collectively?  Most of us Gen X'ers could recite more words to "Gin n' Juice" than the National Anthem.  Would we sing "Friends in Low Places" as an homage to our friends who have passed on?  Do we know all of the words to that song if we are sober?  Will we be able to bust out "Ice Ice Baby" without needing oxygen?  How will a "Smells Like Teen Spirit" mosh pit work?  "Lift with your knees Jason!"  "You are going to break a hip Amy!"  Will I be the "Maggie Smith" of the old folks home?  You know, the grumpy one that everyone fears?  The Professor McGonagall type that lays down the law but smiles knowingly at the rule breakers sneaking into each other's rooms.  Most likely there will be a no fornicating rule among residents because old people doing it is just gross.  I hope I am like Maggie when I am old.  I will be the one in the witch's hat.  

Blades of Glory

Last Spring I bought a pair of used rollerblades off of Craigslist. I was eager to try it out because I often spot fit young chics on the Monon looking so cool gliding side-to-side rolling down the trail. However my fear of falling on my ass prevented me from jumping right into this young person's past time. After a year of my rollerblades collecting dust in the closet they made their debut today as I finally got up the guts to strap them on. I parked at the trail parking lot on 151st Street (Greyhound Pass). Not my usual spot I park for biking but I thought I needed to stay on the less traveled part of the trail to avoid complete humiliation. I opened the back of my car and sat on the tailgate and proceeded to put on my rollerblades, knee pads, wrist guards, and helmet. It is at this exact moment that I realize that no matter if I fall or not I already looked like a complete dumbass. I took my first few wobbly steps and started South down the trail. I got the hang of it right away and started to imitate that cool side-to-side glide. My joyfulness from this new found sport quickly turned to panic when I realized that stopping and turning were in my near future. When I saw 146th Street up ahead I knew that there was no way I was going to attempt to cross four lanes of a busy intersection on this maiden voyage. So I prepared to stop by tilting my right toes up and leaning back on the brake. My panic turned to horror when I realized that the brake must have been worn down a little from the skates' previous owner and were not slowing me down fast enough. I quickly had a mental flash of the existing scrapes on the knee and wrist guards and start to put all of the puzzle pieces together. Bad break=bad fall. Oh shit! I managed to wrap my arm around a sign pole and rolled into a bed of flowers (sorry City of Westfield). It wasn't pretty but I stopped before rolling into traffic. After regaining my composure and scouting for witnesses (there were none, thank god) I started skating North. I was practicing slowing down along the way and crossed 151st and 156th with no incident. I was having a blast swaying back and forth to the beat of my music. Bobbing my head from side-to-side while taking in the scenery along the trail. Suddenly I caught a glimpse of myself in a shadow and laughed out loud at how ridiculous I must look. Middle-aged suburban housewife jammin' to some tunes with A LOT of protective gear on. I should have had a mouthguard in just to complete the ensemble. Ha! I didn't have far to go and, thankfully, there weren't many people on this part of the trail. Especially anyone I knew! The paved part of the trail ends at 161st so I turned again and headed South. I waved on any drivers kindly stopping for me to cross the intersections because my starting skills weren't much better than my stopping skills. I approached 146th again and this time realized that the difficulty in stopping was compounded by the gradual slope toward rush hour traffic. Had I known this before I would have avoided attempting this obstacle the second time. I took a deep breath and tried to put on the brakes again but in a last ditch effort to stop before being squished by a soccer mom I "strategically" fell on my left knee pad and right wrist guard. Essentially doing a half split. I was embarrassed but I was alive. Another trip up to 161st then down again to 151st and it felt like a million bucks. In total, I rollerbladed six miles in one hour! Obviously I'm not ready to show off my skills along the canal in Broadripple where the trail traffic is hard to manage even on foot but this won't be my last rollerblading experience. I will keep practicing and trying to look cool while doing it.

Farmers Market McFatty

I love going to the farmers market on a Saturday morning. My goal is to stock up on organic fruits and veggies, farm fresh eggs, and grass fed meats. This morning the rain stopped just in time so I grabbed my reusable bag for a quick trip to Carmel. The cloudy skies did not detour anyone else either since the parking garage was a madhouse. Since I was running a little low on patience and energy my first stop was at the Lions Club tent for a breakfast brat with egg and cheese. I topped it with homemade salsa from the Salsa Queen. Yummy! The next purchase was made at Nicole-Taylor's for some homemade pasta and marinara sauce for tomorrow night's dinner. For some unknown reason I quickly needed another energy boost so I bought a bag of roasted almonds at The Amazing Potato Chip Company. Who am I kidding? The almonds might have been roasted but then coated with sugar, cinnamon, and maple syrup. Again, yum. On my second lap around, I completed Sunday's dinner menu with a chunk of focaccia bread from Scholars Inn which weighed in at about two pounds. On lap three I looked seriously at a table of tomatoes but the line was about three people deep so I decided against the wait. I did wait, however, for the cookies at Circle City Sweets (lemon/ginger and chocolate chip) and a cup of ice tea at Kei Teas. On my way out, I made a point to take the stairs up three flights to my car...burning as many calories as one "roasted" almond. As you can tell I am not a focused farmers market shopper. I didn't leave the market with one item that was from the garden or had fewer carbs than a box of Lucky Charms! I felt good supporting local businesses (spent about $30) but my purchases were not exactly what I had in mind. I will certainly try to do a better job next week. Maybe I will only get one cookie. :)

Broadripple or Bust

Last week I set a goal to do more fun things around the city and made a mental checklist of places I wanted to visit. I have already marked two places off the list! On Monday, Forest Park/Potters Bridge in Noblesville then yesterday visiting the Indianapolis Museum of Art/100 Acre Park. The newsworthy part of going to the IMA is that we biked there! Yes, all the way from Westfield. Our good friend John Brooks joined me and Joey on what started as a "hey, let's bike to Broadripple, have lunch, bike back." Of course I expanded that trip at least an additional 10 miles that left everyone exhausted and useless for the rest of the day (except me, I worked in the yard). The first half of our trip was going along as planned. Biked to Broadripple on the Monon and ate at Boogie Burger (not the best decision making for a day full of physical activity). This is where I throw the big fat wrench in the original plan. We then followed the Canal Path to the 100 Acre Park connected to the IMA, circled around some trails, and up past the IMA. Since we were there, I took the boys on a scenic trip down frat row on Butler's campus then back on the Monon at 52nd. By this time I think they were getting a little sick of me and the double cheeseburgers they had consumed were getting pretty angry too. In total we biked 36 miles! I'm sure that is the last time the boys will invite me to ride bikes since their goal for the day was only to get the cheeseburgers. I'm still proud of all of us for surviving the journey (even though I about killed all of us several times by causing at least one bike pile up due to rubbernecking a cyclist bite it going the opposite direction, having another cyclist scream "dumbass" at me because I came inches from hitting him head on, and getting a 4' tree branch stuck in my tire spoke). The only real tragedy of the day is my camera took a nose dive onto the concrete during my attempt to "bunny hop" a curb. I'm not sure I can hang with the boys on their athleticism as much as they can't hang with me on my stamina. Anyone want to join me on my next bike ride?.....yeah, that's what I figured.

Hot summer night

I started the day saying to myself "This is it. Today is the day I will amp up my workouts and cut back on calories." I woke up early. Completed the Insanity plyometrics cardio circuit video (which is, of course, insane). Had a healthy breakfast and headed to work. I made it to about, umm, 11am before I was eating chocolate stashed in the breakroom fridge. Today's mission failed. After a long day at work it was nice to come home to Joey's home cooking (turkey meatloaf and mac n'cheese). Then we went for an impromptu ride in the Jeep to check out the new speakers. Played Foster the People channel on Pandora...it rocked! Today's Jeep ride was a lot better than the one this spring when I wrapped myself up like a mummy to avoid the frigid wind. We jetted off to Target to buy crap we don't need. The result of all trips to Target. A pint of Ben and Jerry's and two stolen spoons from the concession area made the warm ride home so fun! I needed that. I will start my diet plan another day.

By the way, we did not make a dent in the pint. Just wanted to make it extremely clear that we did not eat the entire pint!

Monday night adventure

Over the weekend I read Indianapolis Monthly's City Guide 2011. I couldn't believe all of the things to do and places to see right here close to home. Frankly, I was disappointed that I have lived here for almost 20 years and have missed out on some fun stuff. I now pledge to make a point to explore our local parks and museums. So tonight Joey and I went on an adventure and starting exploring. We rode our bikes on the trails at Forest Park and Potters Bridge in Noblesville. Super fun! Especially the Potters Bridge paths. We were flying along the curvy path that led us down to the White River and discovered a dirt trail to ride another day. Forest Park is a great park too. I want to go back and tour the trains at the Transportation Museum. Nerdy, I know. Then we headed up to Cicero to catch a glimpse of Morse Reservoir and had dinner at Toucan Annies downtown. Good Mexican food being served by white women. Strange in this part of the world. It was simple but really good food. I'm glad I didn't waste any time sitting inside tonight...it was a great night.

I'm finally doing it

I've always wanted to write in a journal. Maybe Oprah was right about journaling your deepest thoughts leading to some sort of self improvement. We'll see. I don't have very high expectations. Over the weekend though I started thinking of all the things I wanted to do this summer. Since this last winter seemed to suck the life out of me I am extremely eager to make the most out of every day above 70 degrees. What better way to keep track of my adventures than to blog about it? I do a lot of fun stuff and I have an opinion about everything. So, I've decided...this is happening. I've started a blog.